Run BTS Rewatch Episode 30: Back to the Future

추억의 예능 1, Retro Variety Show 1

Sorry for the week off everyone! I was traveling but also gearing up for this two-parter right here, wherein bonds of love will be formed and broken, outfits of incredible power will be worn, and we will see what happens when BTS doesn’t get enough sleep. Buckle up!

Setup:

The theme is variety shows of the past, but since I don’t know what past variety shows looked like in Korea I’m taking their word for it. They will divide into two teams and compete in several game show type challenges against each other while wearing retro clothing that they at least partially picked out themselves and trying not to strangle a single other person. This may be harder than it sounds!

The winning team gets to decide the punishment for the losing team which is an interesting new tactic to stoke the competitive fires.

The Moments of Pure Love:

1. We have to start with the clothing to get the right visuals, but before we get to individuals picture in your mind a sort of denim forest and you’re mostly there

   1. Yoongi: A varsity jacket but the inner part is denim, a white print t-shirt, red patterned kerchief around his neck, loose-fit high-waisted jeans with patterned stitching at the bottom, red Converse sneakers. He’s blonde and has huge frameless glasses on

   2. Taehyung: A red mock turtleneck under a denim button-up shirt, tucked into a navy-blue / black slacks with a red fabric tie so long that the end hangs down to his knee, grey loafers. He’s sandy-brown haired with his own huge frameless glasses

   3. Jin: A light-wash denim jacket over a multi-colored striped shirt, red patterned kerchief around his neck, fitted jeans the same color as the jacket, white sneakers. He’s black-haired, but I’m pretty sure his jacket has red panel detailing inside of it to add excitement

   4. Jungkook: Baggy denim overalls with the cuffs rolled up over a white long-sleeve shirt with thin black striping and a black collar, mustard-yellow Converse sneakers. He’s black haired with round, black-frame glasses, and his hair has been styled with a severe side-part so the front can flop over like a half-bouffant

   5. Namjoon: A purple turtleneck underneath a neon-pastel plaid jacket with so many colors I won’t attempt to describe them, tan wide-legged slacks, and green Converse sneakers. He’s blond with thick black-framed glasses

   6. Jimin: Brown turtleneck with a yellow, brown, and gray plaid shirt tucked into dark-washed jeans with cuffed bottoms, navy-blue Converse sneakers. He’s no glasses and he’s blonde but it’s tough to tell because he’s wearing the sort of corduroy soft military hat that Britney Spears used to wear all the time

   7. Hoseok: Blue and red button-up jacket with exaggerated collar, a blue and white striped shirt with red detailing on the collar, jeans with cuffs so large they make it halfway up his calf, gigantic sneakers with similar colors to the shirt. He’s also without glasses but his hair is a sort of pinky-orange perm and that’s enough

   8. It’s in regaling all of this that I realize that when they say retro what they mean is 90s, and that’s sobering

2. Jin says Hoseok looks like a mom on a TV show

3. Jimin says he looks like a delivery boy, specifically milk and paper, and that is correct

4. Jungkook says Namjoon looks like an English teacher but that’s also just how he always looks, and after everyone agrees Namjoon admits that he’s just wearing his own clothes

5. Hoseok says that Jungkook looks like a rich boy, and Namjoon says that he looks the most modern, and I have to take their word for it but mostly he looks like a four-year old who went through a reverse Honey I Shrunk the Kids ray

6. Namjoon says Jin looks like some comedian whose catch phrase is apparently “poop color power” as Jin shouts it and squats

7. They think Taehyung and Yoongi both look awesome, though they question the authenticity of Taehyung’s long belt

8. Yoongi looks like a TV character, and cool, but also weird, and shorter than usual, and Yoongi ends up bouncing back and forth like a bobble-head doll for our pleasure

9. Yoongi gets to be the MC and hands out sheathed plastic swords to everyone while quoting anime lines

10. Jin tells a dad joke about swords, and no one laughs, but after a couple of seconds Jimin gets it and cracks a gratifying smile

11. They spread out so they can all crouch and draw the swords dramatically from their hips but not brain anyone in the process; they quote more anime as they do so

12. Three people have normal swords and three people have swords with leeks on the end of them - this, naturally, is how teams are decided

13. They proclaim the teams well-balanced with Taehyung, Jungkook, and Namjoon one one side and Jin, Jimin, and Hoseok on the other, except for Jin who says that the team he is on is always the best team

14. They’re supposed to be deciding team names but Taekook are playing around with their swords, which both light up and make sounds, and Yoongi has to confiscate them so they can focus

15. Jimin, deeply resigned, says their team name will be Team Kim Seokjin, but Hoseok still holds out hope and calls for RPS

16. Jin agrees, and wins quickly, and proclaims the return of Team Kim Seokjin as Jimin stares at his leek sword and tries to will himself into another dimension

17. Namjoon says their team name will be glasses, because they’re all wearing glasses while the other team isn’t, and Jihope react to this like Namjoon cracked the Rosetta Stone right in front of them

18. Jungkook tries to suggest that the other team name should be Non-Glasses and Jin shuts him right down

19. Now it’s time to decide on the punishment, and while team name selection was quick this is a much more serious and long conversation

20. Team Kim Seokjin is all about the humiliation of the retro clothes, and start proposing places the losing team has to wear them

21. Wormtongue Yoongi suggest they wear them to Macao when they go the next day and this excites the rest of them beyond measure

22. Namjoon says, very seriously, that they will all be trying so hard to win

23. Taehyung protests that the hat Jimin is wearing belongs to him (this tracks) and Jimin says he’ll put a note on it so that everyone knows

24. Yoongi tries to make the punishment even crazier, because he’s the MC, but they reject the rest of his suggestions and settle on wearing the clothes to the airport

25. Taehyung suddenly realizes that this means he won’t be able to dress up for the airport like the fashionista he is and the rest of them are like “that’s why it’s a punishment?”

26. Yoongi finally overplays his hand and shouts “as long as it isn’t me!” and the rest of them realize he’s got nothing on the line

    1. They try to put him with Team Glasses, because he has glasses, and Yoongi is like “no fucking way”

    2. Taehyung offers an alternate solution, that Yoongi gets to pick which team he’s betting on to win, but he notes that he might show favoritism to the team he selects, and Jungkook is like “you’re not getting out of this!!!”

    3. But the production team notes that his point is still good, so they have him pick a team at random to side with and Yoongi whines the whole time about how he got dragged into this against his will

    4. However he then reminds himself that he’s been on a winning streak lately, so he’s got nothing to worry about

    5. Only the production team gets to see the choice, and Yoongi points at them sternly and says they’d better not change it, so they show it to the camera and we see that he’s with Team Glasses

    6. Jungkook is incredibly excited for this ultimate reveal later

27. They start discussing who will be least embarrassed by their clothes, and they realize that Jin, Jimin, and Hoseok all look pretty cute and / or normal for them so this punishment is lopsided

28. Yoongi says that Namjoon’s also looks great, but Namjoon is worried about his purple turtleneck

29. Yoongi is freaked out about the wash of his jeans, and Taehyung can’t believe he might have to wear a very long belt against all of his personal beliefs

30. After they shout run Bangtan, Jihope walk across the screen arm in arm singing some kind of theme song together

31. Yoongi gets up on a little platform (the same one from the dressing each other episode) with a bunch of floor lights behind him (also from the dressing each other episode) and tries to hype them all up as best he can

32. They start with some questions up front, as they did in older shows

    1. Jin is asked where he went for vacation, and he says the beach, then brags that he got in wearing a short-sleeve shirt and shorts even though it was very cold

    2. Hoseok is asked where he would go if he could go back in time, and he says he would go back before he learned how to dance to explore the alternate timeline of Jung Hoseok, serious literature scholar

       1. The rest of them are so loud about this, either because they find it ridiculous or sexy, and Jin asks for a poem recital

       2. Hoseok recites “Poem”, by j-hope, which is, it’s entirety, “What the f-”

       3. They love it and now also want to peer into this alternate timeline

    3. Taehyung is asked what he was doing in the year 2000, and he says he was 5 years old, which shocks the rest of them except for Namjin who do the math and say he was 6, and Jimin who already knew that because he’s also a 95er

    4. As Yoongi continues his MC patter, Jungkook counts on his fingers at the ends of the screen then nods to himself in agreement with the math

33. Yoongi then asks what shows were popular in the early 2000s, and most of them shout out names of shows

34. Jungkook pops and locks and waits for them to be done

35. All of this is leading up to the ultimate grand opening of an old variety show, which is the dance ceremony

36. Jin is chagrined and Hoseok is ecstatic, so Yoongi makes Jin go first and calls him to the platform

37. The production staff has picked out the most hilarious 2000s songs for each of them because copyright is not a thing they care about, so let’s go in order

    1. Jin, Sexyback by Justin Timberlake - he opens with a full slut drop and then flails at random before bailing; it’s at this point it becomes clear that his denim jacket is Tommy Hilfiger and that tracks

    2. Taehyung, Toxic by Britney Spears - he dances mostly with his face, which is agonized

       1. Yoongi says in the background that this song is awesome

    3. Jimin, Lose My Breath by Destiny’s Child - he wiggles around and shakes his ass and gets Yoongi to come up to the platform and dance at him like it’s a club

    4. Namjoon, Boom Boom Pow by The Black Eyed Peas - he dances with his upper body exclusively and does a lot of touching of his own chest until he remembers that the ass is a thing and throws it back hard to their delight

       1. Yoongi yells from the back “Sexy and provocative!”

    5. Hoseok, Lady Marmalade by a bunch of hot women - he pops and locks, thrusts his pelvis, makes sexy faces, pretty much the entire Hoseok experience as they all thirst openly

    6. Jungkook, Crazy In Love by Beyonce which is nearly impossible to hear over the rest of them shouting - he twerks his little heart out and does a full body swinging shimmy to their delight

       1. Yoongi is so excited for this song that he leaps up onto the platform to shake his ass and is very nonplussed when they stop it

    7. Yoongi, a song I do not recognize at all, probably to my shame - he does the running man and then some head tutting with a goofy face

38. Yoongi reveals that even though they’re all exhausted this wasn’t even a game it was just a thing they did for entertainment, successfully

39. Game One is losing wrestling, which is exactly how it sounds: wrestle with the goal of being the loser

40. This is the wrestling where you start crouched and snugged up against each other, gripping a piece of cloth tied around the other’s person’s waist and thigh, just for the visual

41. First up is Jinkook, and Jin is like fuck my life why him

    1. Yoongi tries to ask Jungkook a pre-game question, which is how he’s feeling, and Jungkook stares into space and can’t think of a single thing to say

    2. Jimin objects that Yoongi didn’t ask Jin, so he does, and Jin bites Jungkook's shoulder in reply

    3. Despite his worry, Jin hauls Jungkook backwards with ease, and even though Jungkook is strong enough to simply hold Jin up off of the mat so his back doesn’t touch, Jin struggles so much that Jungkook ends up dropping him, then straddling him, and we will move past this as best we can

    4. They praise Jin for being a natural loser

    5. Jungkook is sad that the wrestling didn’t go longer

42. Next up is Taejin, Jin’s choice

    1. Taehyung starts before Yoongi says to, and Jin bites him on the shoulder in reprimand

    2. Once they actually begin, Jin once again hoists Taehyung up easily and flops onto his back, but this is much more gentle and graceful

    3. Everyone is so impressed with Jin’s talent at losing this game

43. Next up is Namjin, and the size differential is immediately apparent

    1. Despite their efforts to win three in a row, Namjoon simply lifts Jin up and pulls him down without effort

    2. Jin is so surprised at the quick takedown that he hooks his foot around Namjoon’s leg like it’s a real match he was trying to win, to Yoongi’s delight

    3. Namjoon isn’t sure if he won or lost

44. Minimoni are next

    1. The size differential is even more impressive!

    2. During the crouch Namjoon simply starts leaning back and Jimin can barely keep him upright; Yoongi calls foul

    3. On the real attempt Jimin doesn’t even try to lift Namjoon up, simply falling onto his back and sliding in between his legs

    4. In the process of this, he fully and completely knees Namjoon in the balls, causing Namjoon to collapse in agony

    5. Hoseok tries to save the situation by asking Namjoon if he’s okay after being kicked in the butt, but everyone knows that this sort of pain is not ass-related and they move on very quickly

45. Yoongi says this is just the pre-game and doesn’t count for anything really, which I imagine Namjoon at least is displeased about

46. The real game is a quiz game where one person from each team sits on a cushion and tries to answer a multiple choice question; the person who yells out their team name and pulls the cushion over their head first gets to answer first

47. Hoseok goes first from Team Kim Seokjin, since he never wrestled, and he announces he will lose

48. He gets to choose his opponent since they won wrestling, and he identifies Taehyung as his best shot

49. Question 1 is what is a song that’s famous for 333 choreography, and it’s going be Fire, but the joke is that Yoongi is going to read like a dozen answers and all of them will be different riffs on Fire sentences (e.g. “Is it on fire?”) to make them go crazy with anticipation

    1. Hoseok gets impatient and simply guesses that it will be number 9, and he’s right; they react like he won the Olympics

    2. Taehyung is nonplussed, and Hoseok, the gracious winner he always is, taunts him theatrically and aggressively as he goes back to his seat

50. He picks Jungkook next, with the same aggressive quality, though really he’s picking not-Namjoon; Jungkook thinks he’s funny

51. Yoongi starts to interrogate the mystical nature of Team Kim Seokjin, and how they’re always lucky and always win even if you can’t explain why, and he’s getting close to the heart of the universe

52. Question 2 is what was Taehyung’s character named in Hwarang, and Koobi are like “oh fuck I didn’t actually watch it that closely”

    1. Yoongi begins reading his ten thousand choices with variations of the same name, and Koobi know they’re never going to get it so they just start guessing randomly

    2. Hoseok communes with the MC card to try to give him Team Kim Seokjin energy, and Yoongi pulls a massive troll face like Hoseok guessed right, but he didn’t

53. Jungkook finally gets it and chooses Jimin, but he wants to do it all cool and aggressive like Hoseok did and Jimin is teasingly like “you’d better fucking use honorifics with me” and Jungkook apologizes in very formal language but everyone’s laughing

54. Yoongi says the questions are now more difficult and Jungkook’s face blanks impressively

55. Question 3 is what was the second crime Jin was charged with in the police station episode of Run, and everyone is like holy shit

    1. However, when they get to number 4 Namjoon recognizes it, but the trick is that the answer is incredibly long and specifically worded, so they have to remember it exactly

    2. Jungkook makes a valiant attempt and fails

    3. Jimin makes a valiant attempt and fails

    4. Jungkook tries again and can’t get even a single word out with the effort of memory

    5. Yoongi reads number 4 again, and Jikook simultaneously yell to answer

    6. Hoseok, from the back, is like “Jimin was obviously a little faster” but he’s totally lying and Taejoon laugh at him

    7. Jimin gets it wrong

    8. Jungkook mixes up some of his words and gets it wrong, but when he tries again he says it correctly

    9. Yoongi reveals that this wasn’t the right answer in the first place and mocks them for spending so much time on it

    10. Jikook’s new strategy is to guess every answer, even the silly ones, and Jin is upset at how they could believe he would ever act like a dad or sing a song about how he’s old

    11. Jikook have now been doing this so long that they’ve forgotten their team names and Jungkook tries to yell out his own name to answer questions

    12. Eventually Jungkook gets it right after navigating a wrong answer that’s the essence of changing a vowel sound to the right answer

56. Yoongi is really milking this whole thing, pausing dramatically inside of every answer, and they are all just so tired

57. Jinkook get question 4, what was the song that RM, Jin, and Jungkook sang during the MT episode, and as this just happened for me I should know the answer but I don’t because it was that anime song

    1. Jinkook, seeing the excruciating shape of a future where Yoongi slowly reads twenty answers that are close to but not exactly right, start guessing the correct answer with random numbers

    2. They don’t succeed

    3. Yoongi starts reading them so, so, so slowly, and Jin eventually has to respect the hustle even though he is trapped in hell

    4. He pulls another pronunciation trick and this is the moment at which Yoongi does almost get strangled by six men on camera

    5. They finally get to the right answer but Jungkook, under more stress than he’s ever experienced, says the number of the answer instead of the team name when he calls out and Jin gets to win

58. Next is Namjin having to say five Korean solo singers within 5 seconds and Yoongi counts down sooooo fast that Namjoon gets flustered and Jin can’t even make the sounds that quickly

59. Eventually Namjoon’s rap experience lets him spit them out and he runs around the room in celebration because he really wants to wear his own clothes the airport

60. Jungkook’s eyes sparkle with pride at his smart hyung, who won the game for them

61. They close this episode with a montage of the hell awaiting in the next one, because as entertaining as this one was they’re only just beginning to drive them to violence by using ridiculous tropes from past variety games!

The Finish Line:

I know that Squid Game was not actually based on these two episodes but it could have been, and that pretty much says it all. They suffer for our amusement, and I only feel a little bit guilty about all of it.

I didn’t realize on my initial watch of this that these games were deliberately designed to be annoying, irritating, infuriating, and embarrassing, partially because I don’t have the context of the game shows but mostly because I missed the very obvious context clues. It makes the choice of MC Yoongi make way more sense, both because he is the Master Troll and also because once he gets really annoyed with something he simply shuts down, which isn’t good TV.

The stakes of this competition are also very good, because it’s something that most of them really, really care about. Namjoon is the biggest surprise, because while he is often good at these competitions he rarely revels in it or is that concerned with the outcome beyond feeling good about himself. Here, however, he is out for blood, and the competitive fervor in his eyes is a sight to behold.

Also RIP to his balls, I hope he recovered quickly.